When Life...

Shortly After I Came Home:

I’ve always heard that saying “When life gives you lemons make lemonade.” But what about when life gives you tap water?  These past five to six months have been some of the most hardest that I’ve gone through and it does not feel like it will stop. We have been dealing with deaths in our family and friend groups, our children dealing with blatant racism, recovering from major surgeries, and money issues. I have been trying to write more. But since I’ve been released from the hospital I have been feeling sluggish most of the day due to the medications that I am on. So I try to write when I can. When I am not feeling sluggish then I’m discouraged to even write.

Current: 

I use to take personal pride in being the optimistic and always encouraging others but I found that I just did not have it in me anymore. I couldn’t even encourage myself. As the days progressed, and now three weeks, have passed since my surgery I have been feeling more optimistic. Maybe getting rest has helped. I know that believing for better has definitely helped. It has been hard to believe for better when everything around me looks horrible. But through believing the weirdest thing happened. The fear that I had in regards to pursuing things in my life whether it be personal or business has completely disappeared.

The best way that I could describe it is that I felt like a gate was in front of me blocking me from getting out. It felt like I could never really enter into the next place and/or phase of my life. I was scared that something else would happened that would place me right back at square one. It was an irrational fear but so much has happened in such a short period and honestly it is still happening. But the fear that used to consume me is simply gone; my perspective has changed. It’s like the gate has totally vanished and there isn’t even the tiniest shred of it remaining.  

I am pursuing some things business-wise that I have been wanting to do for a while, I am writing on my blog and actually posting my posts, and I am getting back into journaling. I am also being more complimentary and encouraging to other people. I have always told people when I thought something that they did was great. But I found that I started to censure myself because, as I said before, I couldn’t even encourage myself and I did not want to appear too “extra”. Now IDGAF!!! I really don’t care!

Everything that I am doing now is being done without a single strand of fear of failure, fear of rejection, or judgment from others. The hubs said that “Being close to death would change you” and he may be right. I feel like a better version of myself and I like it. I’m excited to see what’s next…

Taking this tap water, running it through my BRITA, grabbing the lemons in my life and about to make some bomb a** lemonade.