I’m Scared!!!

I was diagnosed with ASD (Atrial Septal Defect) basically a hole in the heart. I was told that most babies are born with it but in some cases it can close as you get older. I believed that mine would close. I had no symptoms and had two children with no problem. When my husband and I went to get our wellness checkups my doctor saw that I had a heart murmur and wanted to get it checked out further. So I made the appointment and now my doctor wants me to take a TEE (Transesophageal echo) test this upcoming Wednesday. This is a test where they would put me to sleep, place a camera down my throat, and see how large the hole is and from there determine if I can have a procedure where they will close the hole by going through my leg or possibly open heart surgery; which I really do not want.

The funny part about being told that you have something is that your mind will start obsessing over it and your body will act accordingly. So Friday night I woke up and I could not find a comfortable spot to sleep in, my chest was hurting so I started to think the worst but then it felt like it was gas stuck in my chest or mini panic attacks needless to say Friday night was a mess! Then I woke the hubs up and I was crying because I just could not get comfortable. So he suggested that I sit up to sleep. I finally found a comfortable spot and then my what happens my freaking cycle starts. I get up to handle that then I just go to sleep because at that point all I could do was sleep and start over the next day.  

Throughout this whole ordeal mentally I have been okay. One of the biggest things for me is trying to keep the faith that all will go well. But I do worry and I’m not going to lie I’m SCARED!!! I’m not scared of dying and this may sound a little morbid but I’m okay with dying…especially in this trump world (just jokes). But seriously I am actually okay with dying if that happened. However when I think about what the aftermath would be in regards to my children, husband, and the rest of my family. That makes me sad and that makes me want to proceed with whatever type of procedure I would have to get in order to stay here for them.

My real fear is pain. I don’t want the pain of an open heart surgery or any type of intensive surgery that would have me down for several weeks. The procedure of going through my leg to close the hole would be over night and I won’t have to take too much time off from work and I’m pretty sure that it will not hurt as much as open heart surgery.

Also the financial strain is something that I think about. If I had the catheter procedure done I could just use some of my vacation time. Whereas open heart surgery would have to be covered under FMLA and I will not be paid for that. I know that’s weird to think about and I should be thinking about my health, but those that know me know that I think about those types of things. I am also thinking about getting to the grocery store, paying the bills, getting my daughters hair braided because I do it, and if I can have Starbucks because I love my coffee and if I can have Chic Fil A. I know that my husband is extremely capable of doing all of those things but I still think about me not being able to do those things. Even with all of these fears one thing that I do know is that everything will work out, it always does, and I just have to walk through this journey. But I’m still scared so keep me in y’all prayers!

Anyone going through something that has you fearful? Are you hopeful about the outcome?